“What I hold up against the abyss”

Long green grass, playing horses in the field, grass stains in general; dumb sayings: Maddie’s “holla’s” and “fo’ sho’s;” October, orange, crisp mornings, fog, wind in my hair, my eyes watering from it, pumpkin patch, carving: squishy, gushy, Halloween! Old pictures from the 70’s of my parents and brothers. Great hugs from loved ones, airport greetings, goodbyes-bittersweet. Children and their smiles, sticky fingers, uncontrollable laughter, family gatherings. Thanksgiving food, gravy and stuffing! Long mornings sleeping in with no obligations, Spanish, romantic Latin men, fluency in Spanish on tequila night, picnics on the dorm floor, giggling ridiculously, talking shop about boys, adventures in wandering, late night talking, waking up with the sun on your face, tents, camping, hiking, grand vistas of mountains, breathlessness, stomach butterflies over a significant someone. Snow angels, cold fingers, snowball fights, whitewashing my brothers, running, gasping laughter, movie nights with Mommasita and Reme, long discussions with Papa Doug, family dinners, puppies, fat dogs too, cuddly kitties-Pete! Childhood memories of Daddy, woodworking, sawdust, rubbing his nails against my lips, warm blankets, wool ones especially, rough and warm, the smell of Irish Spring soap, dark wood floors, claw-foot bathtubs, finding lost things, sad songs, kissing, animal magnetism, good books, long books, short stories, rain while reading, wet concrete, kept promises, muscle pain, strength, long phone conversations, family, friends, love.